Relative unknown Andrei Chikatilo is set to replace under
fire Newcastle United manager Alan Pardew. A source close to the board revealed
that they are unhappy with Pardew’s understanding of how to manage a club of
footballists, and his inability to get them to get the “ball” into the big
white netted thing at the end of the grassy bit. Information on his alleged
replacement is scarce, only that he is Russian and very probably dead,
Newcastle United have recently been linked to medical expert Dr Frankenstein in
order to reanimate Chikatilo and let him loose on the young squad. Sources
claim that Newcastle have been impressed with his ruthlessness and cunning and
that his recruitment is intended to strike terror into both Newcastle as well
as they’re opponents, he is nicknamed The Rostov Ripper.
General consensus from
people who aren’t bored senseless by football is that his appointment would
really “put the ripper amongst the magpies” as the famous saying goes, it is
rumoured that luxury accommodation has been secured for him in the form of the
house last used for the MTV series “Geordie Shore” as one of the intern’s at
the club did some quick online research on Chikatilo and concluded that
secluded soundproof room in the garden like the f*ck hut seemed an ideal
addition to the house and its proximity to a local school was in no way a
danger to anyone. It is assumed Chikatilo would be keen on the excessive
drinking and violent culture prevalent in and around Newcastle and the north
east.
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